everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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