I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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