At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
