i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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