I cannot find my penis.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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