First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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