You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
