I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
