remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
