my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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