Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
