I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
