i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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