he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
