There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
