If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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