Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
