I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
