its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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