Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
