Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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