I am midnight drunk by noon
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
