You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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