i love accidental penises.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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