Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize