I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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