I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
