I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
