you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
