well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
