Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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