it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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