and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
