Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
