There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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