Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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