sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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