Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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