My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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