Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You don't make any sense
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