When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
we're so committed to being not committed
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
