I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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