How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
