i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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