Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
