ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
