If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
