Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
