when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
