If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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