I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Please don't give away my fajitas
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
