Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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