connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize