She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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