I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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