I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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