I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
