At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
