omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
