i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
