Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
